I haven’t written much about my health since I wrote about it back in November. I’m always worried I’ll make people sad or talk about things that people don’t actually want to hear, because nobody wants to hear about or talk about the negative things in life. But here I am, coming to my platform so I can talk things through.
It’s not been easy navigating any of this; doctors, medications, physical aches and pains, late night ER runs. If you look on my social media or even if you see me in person you would never assume I’m fighting the battle of a lifetime, but I am. Little things have been hitting me harder and taking a larger toll. A trip to Phoenix that was once easy now can be a struggle to get through. Going to New York which was once a fun adventure is now an intimidating thought that takes a lot of planning. I am blessed I took advantage of traveling while it was easy, and I’m learning again how I can still go where I want, but take care of myself while doing it.
My body is tired, it doesn’t know what it’s doing, and my mind and body are at a disagreement on what their ability is anymore.
There are some days I can work for hours on end, and it doesn’t seem to wear on me. Then, there are other days where even the smallest task takes up every ounce of energy I can muster. Some days the act of keeping my eyes open is like running a marathon. Little things we take for granted, like walking up the stairs and not feeling out of breath. Making our bed and not immediately needing to lay back down. The list could go on and on.
Everybody will come to a point in their life where they need to relearn themselves and figure out what their new capabilities are. It doesn’t have to be due to something bad, it doesn’t even have to be major, but it will occur, and it takes time and introspection to get through it.
Looking into the mirror and seeing someone you don’t recognize is a very bizarre thing, that stranger in the mirror can’t be you. Can it? It can. Watching yourself gain weight, and then losing that weight plus some in a matter of a week; and having this blood test numbers read one way and the echo and oximeter read a completely different way… It’s enough to make your head spin.
The struggles of disconnect to the body you knew, and the body you currently have.
Each day shows me something a bit different, where my new lines are and to what point I can push myself. I am constantly learning what I can and can’t do, and when you’re young that’s pretty much the worst. Finally you don’t have anyone telling you what to do, but wait… you kind of do. The things you want to do but have to think over, the life you want to live but feel like you have to pull back; Let’s call a spade a spade, it sucks and it’s the worst.
But that’s life, right?
We take what’s thrown our way, and we learn. We adapt to the change in the tide and shift our course as needed.
I wish I had some inspirational thing to leave you with here. I think what I wrote above is as close as I’m going to get at this moment. Because sometimes, life is the pits and we need to acknowledge it without forcing a silver lining, at least for a moment. Then, after we give it the reflection is requires, we figure out how to continue.
This is one of my more somber posts, it’s real and it’s raw. I’m won’t sugar coat what’s happening, because this is my life. It’s all a part of my story, the good the bad and the ugly, and the mark I’m leaving on this world.
As always, we continue to be strong.